This blog contains content that people may find distressing or uncomfortable, please don’t read on if you think it may trigger you. Lots of love xxx
I first started this letter in March when I was having regular counselling and feeling completely overwhelmed with my negative thoughts.
I haven’t looked at it since then but in the last few days I have been absolutely horrible to my body, my mind overrun with insults, abuse and threats, all because I tried on a skirt that felt tighter than it did last year. It seemed as good a time as any to come back to it.
It offers me comfort to write and read it, I hope it can do the same for you.
Whether we like it or not we are stuck with each other so let’s put everything out on the table and try to get a bit of harmony.
I’ve been wanting to say these things for a long time to you, so here we go.
Thank you’s 🙂
Thank you for having rhythm, I love to make you dance. We have delighted people with our ability to find a beat and let loose. The times you’ve won lunging competition on dancefloors have brought me joy.
Thank you for the stretch marks and scars, a reminder that I have grown and changed over the years.
Thank you, big, sexy brain for making me creative and playful. I’m appreciative of my imagination, delight of colour and seeing the world with wonder and opportunity.
Thank you for enabling me to be on the hockey and athletics team in school. Running around that track gave me a great joy and a sense of accomplishment. Even when I entered the hurdles and cross country when I really didn’t want to, you got me through it (and made me sick on the bus home).
Also thanks for healing and repairing me when you’ve needed to. From a blister to a dislocated shoulder, you have worked wonders in getting me back to working order.
I really love my eyelashes, they get lots of compliments and look killer with mascara on – another thing to be thankful for.
Thank you for letting me bend, stretch, walk, run, crawl, jump, swim, cycle, fall over, stand up, sit down, lunge, squat, kick and so much more – things I take for granted on a daily basis.
Thanks for being small, even though you’re like Scrappy Doo and forget you’re only just 5ft, you rather like being small and pocket sized. Being small has led to slipping through the occasional queue, buying children’s clothes and being picked up and hugged a lot.
I’m sorry that at times I have decided to starve you or empty my stomach as a need to have control. I abused you and that is not ok. Sorry doesn’t really cut it but it’s all I have. I’m working on it, fighting the urge when it arises to use you as a last resort to gain control. I don’t want to do it anymore.
I’m also sorry for calling you terrible names, poking and prodding at you in disgust. It must make you feel really bad and that I am ungrateful, which I know at times I am.
Sorry for making you feel that how you look is linked to self esteem because it’s not and shouldn’t be, but I feel a victim of my environment and culture sometimes.
Sorry for not seeing you properly in the mirror, the image is distorted with a magnifying glass on the bits I don’t like and me forgetting about all of the amazing things you are and do.
Sometimes I really do hate you when I’m on my period and I curse you for the aches, pains, cramps, bloating and more but really I am lucky to have a period, others would like one and can’t, I must not forget that.
Lastly, sorry for the times I have shunned social plans because I wanted to hide you away, starve you or just felt so disgusted with you that I would rather wallow in misery. I’m really trying to get to a good place that we say ‘yes’ to more things and can relax.
I hope we can be better friends,
Lots of love,
If you think you are suffering from an eating disorder, please see your GP and have a look at information on Beat’s website. They are a charity, champion, guide and friend to anyone affected, giving individuals experiencing an eating disorder and their loved ones a place where they feel listened to, supported and empowered.
I am always here to talk to, no judgement and any time.